Few things zap your motivation than having a bad relationship with your boss. Trust me, I know from experience, people don’t leave jobs, they leave bosses. I have an executive coaching client. Let’s call her Mary. She doesn’t trust her boss, John. She feels John doesn’t have her back but doesn’t feel comfortable giving him feedback either. She’s the primary bread earner in her family so quitting is not an option. She feels quite stuck. It depletes her energy, motivation and productivity. What to do?
Your relationship with your boss is likely one of the most important in your career. It will determine how far you go up the career ladder, what kind of support and resources you get to do your job, your pay and benefits. And as much as we all like to believe the boss is in charge, the fact is, you have a lot more power than you think. Here are three steps to take to create a create more authentic relationship with your boss, as outlined in my book Wired for Authenticity, Seven Practices to Inspire, Adapt and Lead
Stay Curious
The goal of this step is to loosen our rigid thinking and review the relationship with fresh eyes. Often we get into a fixed pattern in relationships with our boss. We make lots of assumptions about how we’re “supposed to be” in a boss-subordinate relationship. Even that word “subordinate” smells of us having limited power in the relationship.
In this first step, list all the assumptions you are making about who you’re “supposed to be” in the relationship, and the assumptions you have about your boss. Review each assumption and write down assumptions that are more empowering. For example, one assumption may be “I cannot give my boss feedback”. An alternate assumption may be “My boss is open to and welcomes feedback”. What facts are available to support a more empowering assumption?
Choose Be Before Do
In this practice, choose who YOU want to be in your relationship with your boss. In all of my executive coaching work, I have found that when we choose to shift a relationship pattern the other person shifts as well. How does this work? Neuroscience research shows that human beings mirror each other’s behavior in unconscious ways. We each have “mirror neurons” in our brains that cause us to react to each other’s emotions, intentions, and behavior (just think how when you yawn, others unconsciously follow).
Often we sabotage our relationships because we are under the influence of sabotaging thoughts and assumptions. In the practice of “Choose Be Before Do” we decide to take a different perspective. We proactively decide “I will be more empowered” or “I will be more trusting” or “I will let my resentments go”. With my executive coaching clients, we even find characters or values that inspire us and take on that perspective (e.g. What would Wonder Woman do?). Once we choose who we want to be, a new set of actions and behavior becomes more available to us.
Face The Dragon
Often our fears get in the way of shifting a relationship pattern. This practice is about having the courage to try a different behavior based on who you’ve chosen you will be. If you’ve chosen to bring your more empowered self, brainstorm what are actions you will take and actions you will stay away from that may be your default. Then just commit to a different action taken from a different perspective and see what happens.
As we used this approach, Mary decided she wanted to be more empowered in the relationship with her boss, but rather than be confrontational, she decided to approach John with greater compassion. She realized he was human and had made some mistakes and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. As she approached him with more trust, he opened up. She reported that it was the most “human” conversation she had ever had with him in the three years she had worked for him and they started to establish greater trust.
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