5 STEPS GUIDE TO MANAGE TEAMS:
Finding A Shared Purpose
The conversation itself is not difficult, but we approach the conversation with the wrong frame of mind and with the wrong tools. So, let us start with the frame of mind. The typical purpose in a conflict conversation is when I talk with you, I am thinking, my goal is to prove to you that I am right, you are wrong, and you are supposed to do what I’m telling you to do. I want to win, and I want you to lose. You have already lost this frame of mind because of the way you have framed the purpose of the conversation. I want to win, I want you to lose, and I want you to do what I am telling you to do. So, we need to change that. The first step in improving these conversations is to walk in the conversation with a different perspective. And the perspective is, I must state a goal that you would agree with. So, here we believe that the conflict is happening because we do not have the same goals, Is that true? NO, the conflict happens from the perspective of collaboration. When there is no reason to collaborate, there is no conflict, isn’t it?
Think of a conflict, for example, you are a Business Head and you want to hire a specific shortlisted candidate who is at higher salary and company will have to consider his relocation expenses too. Your Head of Talent Acquisition – TA in Human Resources function is refusing to hire him. Now you both are on the odds as you want to hire this candidate and your HR does not. This has raised a conflict. So, every time you have a conflict with a person, it is relevant to ask yourself, what is the largest purpose where you need to collaborate and within which the conflict arises? Here, they have different roles and hence, different perspectives on what would be the best thing to do. Their conflict is relative to a larger purpose of collaboration. The First Step to solve the conflict is to see the conflict as a potential collaboration and to frame it accordingly. So, begin the conversation by saying, “my goal in our conversation is for both of us to agree on what would be the best way to hire this candidate, what are the options or ways that we can consider together.” The Business Head has not opposed the Head of TA, instead aligned them both together to solve a problem. This frame dissolves 80-90% of the bitterness in the conflict. Since they have come side by side, they both agree on what they are trying to do. Now they will see what the best way is to do it if they can find one.
Practice Deep Listening
The Chinese verb “to listen” translates into four ways to listen: Listen with your ears, eyes, heart, and with undivided attention. There is listening and there is listening in a disarming way. Do you remember a time when you went to your manager and told them something that was critical to you, your manager continued their work and just gave verbal gestures like “umm” or “okay” without even looking at you, how did you feel that time? Were you really heard? Did you feel your important talk was felt important by your manager? I am sure you felt not heard or important to them and that experience led to discouragement inside your heart. This is listening. Many times, we listen for the sake of listening, we already know what we want to say, we are just waiting for the other person to complete. And that’s why conversation seems awfully difficult. When we get into the conflict it is like ‘I either break you or I get broken’. And nobody wants to get broken. So, we keep pushing each other. And then comes a time when either one is broken.
HOW TO LISTEN?
To be included as a valid speaker in the conversation:
Be Quiet
Let the person speak. Do not interrupt. Allow them to complete.
Offer Encouragement
Give acknowledgment in between their talks with verbal and nonverbal ways of communication. Tell them, ‘I understand’. Encourage them to feel safe, comfortable, and heard by you.
Check your Listening / Understanding
Summarize what they said in a way that distills the essence. And end it as ‘Did I get that right?’ to get a confirmation of your understanding.
Validate Their Reasoning
Check whether their process of thinking and judgment or point is acceptable or approvable.
Explain Your Reasoning
Ally was Head of Audit and Compliance function of an Automobile company in Michigan. Steve, one of her team members was assertive, always busy with the workload, unorganized with file arrangements, paper filling, and his work desk is always messy. Every time when Steve is on leave or away from the office, Ally’s life at work becomes difficult to perform. She cannot find files or data required in the moment. Everything seems to be a struggle and she was always living in fear of Steve falling sick and her work will suffer. In past, she tried to get the situation change with Steve but failed. He always had his reasons and told her that he was comfortable working that way, he knew where papers were and never had issues in delivering his work on time.
Alley decided to follow these 5 steps guide with Steve. She found shared purpose, she let Steve speak and followed deep listening. And then explained her reasoning, she said, “Steve, I can understand you completely. Every day I come to work with a fear of you not being there at the office, what if you fall sick or go on your annual leave or something unforeseen arises? How will I manage the work without you?…..” She stated her view, and it was in a non-toxic way, she explained why she thinks that way, the reasons to feel the way she feels. This allowed Ally to give her perspective. She shifted from ‘you’ to ‘I’. Earlier her conversations used to get argumentative and then they both would push each other to convince her that they are right. Ally explained her perspective and told Steve, “This is my personal perspective, and here is what I propose we could do about this together.” Here, she followed the 3 steps openly. She began in the present, then took him in the past, and then in the future. And then the fourth step by turning it back to him, “What do you think Steve?” This gives space to the other person to reflect. And then the solution focussed dialogue begins. Ally proposed a solution to Steve, “I don’t want to live in fear and get crazy. The time it takes to work with your piles is unimaginable for me. I want to be able to cover it for you and I need your help. Can you do this arrangement of files in chronological order? This will be really getting easier for me; I will be able to access it easily. Would you help me with that?
Because it is important for me. I will be so relaxed and happy to see you on leave. I will cover for you.” This conversation will begin the understanding between both. Steve will either accept it or propose another option to consider, and it will be towards resolving the issue.
Negotiating on the interest
It is possible to negotiate the interest when each person knows why and what they are thinking. However, I offer you X and you offer me Y. Then they settle at somewhere between X & Y. That is not quite creative, and a leader should not negotiate that way. It does not work well. There is an immensely powerful technique to negotiate which involves understanding what is important to each person. Negotiate on the interests or the concerns, what really matters to them? Do not negotiate from your position. Go one level down and check-in what is really important to you, to me, to both of us? Why care about this? Great negotiators find ways to give people what they want, without giving them what they asked. People do not ask for want but they think is going to give them what they want. They find what is the way they can create for both, it can be in parts so there is mutual gain, and all are happy with what they do.
Getting Agreement with Commitment
How has been your experience in meetings? Have you ever experienced everyone gives a nod? And then nothing happens. When your follow up on the status of work, whether it is done or not, you are told nothing has happened. This led you to frustration, irritability, a yeller, and an angry person. The time was lost with no progress. This happens when there is only an agreement upon asking, “Are we in agreement?” and reply received, “Yes Yes, we all are in agreement”. Well, every agreement is worthless without a commitment. Unless you get people to promise that they will do something by a certain date, with some very definite conditions of satisfaction, the agreement is very unlikely to create action and to create results. Let’s continue Ally’s story with Steve. Ally was quite easy to manage by Steve. He would just be quiet, he let Ally yell, and he still won’t do things. Simply being angry, did not produce results. Do you want to learn how did Ally produce results? What did she do differently?
She initially took agreement and Steve would never get organized. But then she moved the agreement to commitment and magic happened. She told Steve, “Steve, you are organizing these files by this weekend. So, I have your full commitment for this?” Now Ally can hold Steve accountable for the task. It is like a contract. Ally can write the contract but can not hold Steve accountable for it unless he signs it. The commitment is the signature of the contract. So, when you move from agreement to a commitment, what you are engaging, is people’s integrity to take care of one another, of one another. And if they cannot fulfill their commitment; they inform you, reduce the damage and negotiate on the recommitment. So, you want to finish the conversation about the agreement with a shift to who is going to do what, by when? In case, Steve replied with words like, let me see when I can do it. Or I will do it as soon as possible, or I will see what I can do… are all red flags to consider as they display non-committal phrases. So, when you negotiate, and you get to an agreement, push for the commitment.
It is an art to hold conversations. Effective Leaders believe in handling the conflicts effectively, they strategize the 5-step process and follow it. They operate from deeper level to find a shared purpose. They walk into the conversation with a different perspective, a perspective of collaboration. They practice being quiet and listen with undivided attention to the other person, understand their perspective and validate their own understanding. Then explain their reasoning in the situation and explore the larger interest for both which they will negotiate to derive at a workable solution that will make them both happy. All this is followed by an agreement and closed with a commitment. This strategy has helped managers to build effective and productive teams. Employees are happier than before, enjoy working together, conflicts are minimized, and attrition is controlled. Organizations are recognized to have great culture and dream workplace. It is essential to practice such conversations during these covid-19 times when employees are stressed, they are working remotely, and it is causing emotional shift in them. These patterns of conversations will help people managers to reduce conflicts and get their work done with greater commitment and integrity.
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